You finished with the following stats:

15% Brutality vs. 85% Finesse

27% Cunning vs. 73% Honor

30% Disdain vs. 70% Vigilance

Infamy: 57%

Wealth: 9500 gold coins

Wounds: 2

Blasphemy: -1


http://www.choiceofgames.com/dragon/

So fun!

Back on my medication, all stressed out once again.
Hopefully my vacation will be approved and in two weeks i can sit home and do nothing but enjoy not going to work or being responsible.
I'm scared, tired of feeling this way, always having some pressure or soreness in my chest unless i take Valium and even then i'm Really tired.

I am far from lonely, in fact i'm pretty pleased about being single but i'm just not happy.
arg my chest *holds* >.>

god damnit..
an extra 430 dollars a month i should not be paying..
Man, this sucks.

Time for a self midicated dose of VIDEO GAMES and LOTS OF SODA. ugh

When it rains it pours..
a lot has been taken away from me recently, and it seems the torrential downpour has not stopped yet.

Soundgarden is getting back together, FUCK YES

internets are go

just upgraded, now instead of 1 mb i have a 3mb connection..
yeah i know that isnt a big deal to you lower 48 people and your Endless bandwith
but here in Alaska its precious, and for 110 dollars a month you too can downlaod at a max of 345kb a second.

I honestly thought i deserved more from london_fox
I have yet to hear from him since he left, no phone call.. email.. nothing.

I know its not really his concern how i feel or what i'd like anymore but come on
Not even a "hey i'm ok" or anything.. just One more reminder why we are
not together anymore =(

Well.. my ex has left for canada today.. I woke up to find a ton of notes he left about the house, mostly notes of inside jokes only he and i know or quotes from times in our lives. The notes made me smile but at the same time made me severly sad.. 7 years is a long time with someone, to have them in our life and to suddenly Not have them in your life anymore.
All in all i think it is for the best, i know he will be Happier without me, in a new place with much more to do.
I just wish he had been able to pay up his debt he owes me for our credit card and a small loan from my father =\

He's gone.. Now what?

recently got a card from my mother, it reads;

     Dear Son
Maybe someday we can have a conversation? Dont really know that you understand the entire story of when you were little or how much has been distorted over the years. I would like to have the 3 of us sit down one day so you can hear it from both your father and me about back then. I dont know if you even car enough to hear about this from both of us? All i know is you are my son and i do love you. Stevie and me are coming back to alaska together this spring, could we possibly work this out? I really hope so?!
We wish you a very merry christmas and a happy new years to you and troy. I wish you could answer your phone or emails i send? Guess you think i deserve that huh? Would like to fix that and try somehow to make it up to you. I love you and Stevie Very much.

    Mom and Stevie.


My reply;
 

  Tammy

I read every card, every email you send to me.
A lot of the time i just dont know what to say back to you, at times it seems your genuinely concerned and caring but most of that is tainted by all of my past experiences with you. Other times i read and it seems like your drunk when you write these and i bet i'm right. Some of these emails you send to all of us, your making a Fool of yourself! Its embarrassing to think my Mother wrote that to everyone, how proud that makes me feel. Here it is, i'm approching 30, this is the year Two Thousand and Nine! and your Just now wanting to Someday have a conversation with me? Well fuck me, thats what i had wanted growing up, when i Needed it, when i Needed you. I've learned to Not need either of those any longer as i feel much less pain not having them.

Our relationship is not something i can ever escape from or hide. I still get asked about my Family on occasions and people always seem to take an interest in my reluctancy to speak of you and i get flooded with all those memories i do not wish to keep. That or i receive an email, or a card from you wishing we had something.. Anything.. and all i can do is be consumed in rage. Where the Fuck have you been, and what the Fuck have you been doing? Anymore it doesn't matter as i'm a grown man now, but back then when i was a boy, boys need mothers and i was a boy without one.

I dont ever expect a card from you, an email, or gifts. I dont expect anything of you and i've come to be pretty accurate on what to expect from you. Yes i know you have problems, your lonely and by yourself now and that truly sucks, but that does not overshadow everything you have done to me in the past, a time when you should have been there somehow. Disappointments, one after another are of no surprise to me and i hate myself when i let you disappoint me. I keep hearing from you that you wish to try and make it up to me, i've let you try last time you where up here and that was disappointing and on only One of your visits did i feel any Good about. I dont Want you to try and make it up to me, I'm done with that and i do not want it anymore.

I have enough stress in my life to only have it compounded by you. I almost died from my heart condition and i'm in massive debt now, both my grandmothers died, Troy and i are in the process of separation and because of that i now have to take Valium's for my newly acquired Anxiety. I am trying very hard right now to have a good time and i'm doing fairly well at it but i one thing i could do without is having you move back up here again and try to "fix" things between us that are ill-repairable.
If your going to move back to Alaska do it for yourself, not for me.

I feel terrible that i am not a better brother to my sister. I've emailed her a few times and have gotten replies mostly we talk about you not her and i. She has told me things you've done while your drunk that is just absurd! Makes me so furious that she is going to have to go through Everything i went through, your going to severely disappoint if you havent already yet Another one of your kids. By the sounds of it, she is already pretty jaded with you and i dont blame her.
When she grows up a bit more and becomes totally self sufficient you will probably hear from her just as much as you hear from me.

This entire letter feels like i'm just attacking you, and that i hate you and trying to make you feel as bad i can muster wich is not the cause but god dam Tammy you've not left me Any other course of action!
THIS is what i have! This is all i can offer you! I have nothing but bags of shit from you and i'm tired of holding them. I dont think you will EVER be any different and even tho you've made attempts at trying to be a better person you've always faulterd and each time you've fallen Stevie and i have as well.

I wont cut you out of my life, or never speak to you again, but the amount of effort i put forth towards you is very little as i never get anything back and i feel any effort i do put forth will be unrewarding and lead to another disappointment.
Your my mother for fuck sake, all i ever wanted growing up was for you to act like it.  I didnt deserve that kind of childhood you gave me or quite frankly the one i was given.
Not all of it was bad but as you know bad memories overshadow good ones, especially when the ratio is 15 to 1. I had a terrible childhood and it has had lasting effects on me and it will for the rest of my life. I have to deal with these.. These problems, these memories, these disappointments all thrust onto a innocent little boy.

I know reading this will make you cry and i'm sorry but none of this is My fault i was just a boy but now, i'm a Man and this is how an honest one feels.



Kevin

Amazing story, homeless guy brought into a radiostation cause they are doing a thing about buying spree's for homeless and "Mustard" mentioned he can sing and play the guitar and how he wrote his own songs.. so they got him a mic and a guitar and.. and just wow.
I hope this guy becomes Much less homeless as i'd buy a cd of his voice, amazing.

Mustard sings Creep from Rex Kramer on Vimeo.

There is a dog in my room and hair on my sheets.. >.>
This /Will/ be temporary.

Tom Waits is my favorite singer ever, this music video directed by Anders Lövgren is amazing

I wish i knew what the hell was going on
I'm totally left in the dark unless i constantly pester for answers.
Even then i'm usually met with hostility and still dont know anything..

Time to make another appointment for more Valium.. =\

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
That is All i can think to say right now

Bacon is good for me

all in all tuesday was pretty shitty..
I wanted to do two things with our guest that day
buuuut that never happened.

Oh and btw, this was another night to reinforce my
hatred for Alcohol.

bleh

Something is wrong with me and i have no idea what it is.

I have no appitite to eat anything yet i'm starving.
I have lower chest pain that comes and goes..
when i have it i get sudden bouts of extreme dizzyness
being dizzy makes me feel like i hafto go to the bathroom
I start feeling like i'm not getting enough oxygen when breathing

So far i've gone to the ER
Had chest x-rays done, had an EKG runup on my heart
Went to first care and ruled out indigestion, blood infections..

had blood drawn and sent off to havea ton of tests done
to rule out several organs.. we'll see how that goes.
I've gotten some Anti Anxiety medication that i
cannot take while at work.



So far all of this has cost me 4 dollars and 7 cents
thank god for good insurance

Wish i knew what was wrong with me, i'm
getting tired of not being able to go to work and be
reliable. =(

Yay Manny Pacquio beat Miguel Cotto!

So i went to the Hospital again early today.
had sudden chest pain at work and it scared me so bad i went into shock
I got all dizzy and just general feelings of Doom.

They did an EKG/Chest X-rays on me to make sure things are alright
Seems i have some abdominal injury or something, i feel really sore today.

So my room mate Dave the Gay has never eaten a Cherry before
Everyone make fun of him.

Also, Borderlands is Fuckin fun!